No Longer Bound

    Marcie cried. She cried like she had never before, releasing all her pent-up emotions and petty hopes in the salty droplets. Never had someone been as important to her as Matthew, and he had just turned her away without a second glance, even after hearing her devout confession.

    Marcie had known she was ugly her whole life. How could she deny it, with her splotchy, multicolored face and wall-eyedness? Still, she had somehow convinced herself that Matthew, this pinnacle of beauty who had stolen her heart, would overlooked her crossed eyes and her spotted face. She had been so swept up in his looks that she had overestimated his good traits.

    I deserve this. Vile voices hissed in her mind, making her grimace. ‘I’ll die alone and lonely. Who could love a deformed hag like me?’

    She shook as thoughts to despondent to be her own flooded her mind, but she was too weak from disappointment to fend them off. The defamations flowed through her as steadily as her tears flowed down her face, prodding tender areas and reopening old wounds.

    Ugly.
 
    Deformed.
 
    Unloved.
 
    Alone.

    The words running through her mind stung, but their aim was true. Marcie was left defenseless as jibes filled her thoughts and tore at her soul.

    Bland.

    “No.

    Rejected.

    “Stop it.”

    Abandoned.

    “Shut up!!”

    Orphan.

    “Please…”

    All insecurities were bared by the demons tugging her spirit apart. Tears drizzled steadily down her cheeks, leaving tracks hidden by the splotches on her face.

    Dejection and misery evolved into hatred. She pictured her crush’s face, a red sheen blurring her sight, and wished for her revenge. Even her parents’ faces, those of the people who had abandoned her younger self, appeared in her mind, so irate was she.

    How could he?? I poured everything I had into that confession. It’s not my fault I can’t see straight!! I didn’t choose to be ugly! How dare he do this to me?!
 
    I wish…I wish he would die!

    The last part scared her; she, who would never hurt a fly in her gentleness. What scared her more was that it was true, and that she had to force herself to regret it.

    What is happening to me?

    All at once, the answer was clear. The air around her reeked of the Devil, and of the absence of her Savior. Closing her eyes in relief, Marcie poured her heart out to her God.

    “Jesus, what is happening?! I would never think those thoughts, I know for sure. Is Satan interfering? What does he want? I know I can’t stand up to him on my own, and I can’t know what to do without you. Jesus, please, be my shield! Transform my hate into love for You!”

    The difference was immediate. A still, tranquil calm settled over her heart. Marcie sighed gratefully, thankful for relief from the tormenting voices.

    Her injured feelings, however, had yet to be repaired. She knew Jesus could patch them if He so wanted, but in order for her to be stronger, she had to participate.

    Sliding from her bed to her knees, the girl closed her eyes. “Jesus, You know I placed all my hopes in Matthew. I see my mistake, now. I should have known that no one can be perfect but you. Please, help me forget my hatred for him.” An idea occurred to her; a suggestion found in her devotional book. “And Jesus, forge from this hate a new Love stronger than that of this world. Give me a love for him as my brother in You. With my fragile feelings and soul, I can’t love him for what he did, by myself. But with you, I can cast aside my anger and leave only love. Amen.”

    With the last whispered word, Marcie felt a tremendous new freedom, as if a prodigious weight had been lifted from her back. With the freedom came a sort of exhausted energy. Drained from the experience, she clambered onto her bed again and let her Jesus hold her until she fell asleep, safe in the knowledge that she was no longer bound by hate.




……………Really shouldn't be up this late.